Beyond Attachment: Understanding Why Narcissists Don’t Bond the Way We Do

When exploring the vast world of narcissism and attachment — especially in the endless stream of videos and articles on YouTube — you’ll often hear people label narcissists as having disorganised or avoidant attachment styles. This is a common narrative, one that makes sense on the surface: narcissistic behaviours often involve emotional distance, self-centredness, and difficulty in forming deep connections.

However, voices like American counsellor and psychotherapist Peter Salerno, author of The Nature and Nurture of Narcissism, challenge this assumption. Salerno posits that narcissists do not fit into any of the traditional attachment categories — not disorganised, not avoidant — because, fundamentally, they do not attach to others in the same way non-narcissistic people do. In his view, narcissists lack an attachment style entirely.

This idea resonates deeply with me. It aligns with the observation that individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are often driven by a need for control, entitlement, and ownership over others — not by a genuine desire for connection, mutual understanding, or emotional intimacy. Without this foundational drive for connection, the psychological framework that produces an attachment style simply does not develop.

A Quick Summary on Attachment Theory

To fully grasp this concept, it helps to understand attachment theory. There are four primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganised. These styles generally form by around age two, shaped largely by the emotional experiences we have with our caregivers. Some theorists even suggest that attachment can begin to form in utero.

• Secure attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style typically grew up with caregivers who were responsive and attentive to their emotional needs but also able to set healthy boundaries. These early experiences teach the child that it is safe to depend on others, which often translates into the ability to form and maintain healthy relationships in adulthood.

  
  

• Avoidant attachment: Children with avoidant attachment often experienced caregivers who were dismissive, emotionally distant, or neglectful. As a result, they learned — subconsciously — that they must rely on themselves and suppress their emotional needs. In adulthood, this often manifests as emotional withdrawal or difficulty forming close bonds.

  
  

• Anxious attachment: Those with anxious attachment tend to have caregivers who were inconsistent — sometimes nurturing, sometimes unavailable. This unpredictability can create hyper-vigilance in the child, a constant worry about whether they will be loved or abandoned. Adults with this style often struggle with insecurity, fear of rejection, and over-dependence in relationships.

  
  

• Disorganised attachment: Often resulting from trauma or frightening caregiving, disorganised attachment combines elements of both anxious and avoidant patterns. These individuals may crave connection but simultaneously fear it, leading to a push-pull dynamic in relationships.

  
  

Why Narcissists Don’t Fit

What makes narcissists different is that they are not primarily motivated by the desire for connection or emotional intimacy. While a person with avoidant attachment may struggle with closeness due to fear or neglect, they still have the capacity for attachment — they may want connection, but it feels risky or uncomfortable. Narcissists, on the other hand, may interact with others entirely instrumentally: people are valued for what they provide — status, admiration, or control — rather than for mutual growth or connection.

This lack of genuine attachment is why narcissists can appear emotionally detached, manipulative, or superficially charming. They do not bond in the same way that humans are designed to bond; their relationships are not rooted in empathy or emotional reciprocity. In psychological terms, they simply do not have an attachment style in the conventional sense.

Why This Matters

Understanding this distinction is more than an academic exercise. For those navigating relationships with narcissists — whether romantic, familial, or professional — recognising that the narcissist is not merely “avoiding attachment” but may be fundamentally incapable of it changes the approach. It shifts the focus from trying to “fix” or emotionally reach them to protecting one’s own boundaries, seeking support, and fostering self-awareness.

It also underscores the importance of attachment in healthy human relationships. Our ability to connect, empathise, and grow alongside others is what allows us to form meaningful bonds and experience intimacy. When someone lacks this capacity entirely, the relational landscape changes drastically, and so does the emotional work required for anyone involved with them.

Practical Tips for Dealing with Narcissists

If you’re in a relationship or interacting regularly with a narcissist, here are some strategies to protect yourself and maintain your emotional well-being:

• Set clear boundaries: Narcissists often push limits to test control. Know your non negotiables and communicate them clearly.

  
  

• Don’t expect emotional reciprocity: Accept that a narcissist may never provide genuine empathy or support. Adjust your expectations to prevent ongoing disappointment.

  
  

• Prioritise self-care: Focus on your emotional, physical, and mental health. Therapy, journaling, meditation, or support groups can help you process interactions safely.

  
  

• Seek support from trusted people: Maintain connections with friends, family, or mentors who validate your experiences and provide perspective.

  
  

• Limit engagement in manipulation or drama: Narcissists may try to provoke emotional reactions. Practice detachment techniques and avoid feeding into cycles of blame or control.

  
  

• Consider professional guidance: For intense or long-term relationships with narcissists, consulting a counsellor who has expertise in NPD can provide clarity, strategies, and emotional support.

  
  

By recognising that narcissists do not bond in the same way we do, we can approach these relationships with clarity and self-protection rather than frustration or self-blame. Understanding their psychological landscape doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour — it empowers us to respond wisely.