The Difference Between Asking for “Space” and Stonewalling in a Relationship

Have you ever been in a relationship where everything feels mostly okay… until suddenly it isn’t?

One minute you’re having what feels like a normal conversation, maybe even a slightly tense one, and the next — your partner is gone. Emotionally, physically, or both.

They might say they “need space.”They might say nothing at all.They just go offline — literally or metaphorically — and you’re left sitting there wondering,

What just happened? Did I do something wrong? Are they coming back?

And here’s the thing: on the surface, asking for space can sound totally reasonable. Especially if your partner tends to be the more avoidant one emotionally. Maybe later — once your heart rate drops — you’re even able to rationalise it: “Okay, maybe they just needed time to cool down.”

But when this starts happening over and over, it stops feeling like space and starts feeling like a pattern.A dance.A loop you can’t seem to break out of.

The Classic Dance We Don’t Realise We’re Doing

In emotionally focused couples therapy, there’s a dynamic often called the pursuer/withdrawer cycle. And honestly? It shows up everywhere.

Here’s a very familiar version I see all the time in my practice:

Someone with more anxious tendencies starts feeling disconnected in the relationship. It’s subtle at first. A little ache, a sense of distance. So they reach out — maybe with something seemingly simple like:

“Hey, want to go away together this weekend?”

To them, that question is really saying:“I miss you. I need closeness. Are we okay?”

But their more avoidant partner doesn’t know that’s what’s underneath. They just see a logistical question. And they casually reply:

“Ah, I’ve already made plans with friends.”

And boom — down the spiral we go.

The anxious partner hears rejection. The avoidant partner hears criticism. The anxious partner ramps up.The avoidant partner shuts down.And then comes the infamous “I need space.”

Meanwhile the anxious partner is left drowning in emotion, feeling abandoned, confused, and incredibly alone.

And you know what? This is one of the most common patterns couples bring into therapy.You are so not alone.

Why Avoidant Partners Actually Pull Away

In many cases, “taking space” isn’t a punishment. It’s not meant to hurt you. It’s actually their nervous system hitting its limit.

Avoidant people often have a much lower tolerance for big, messy, emotional moments.

Not because they don’t care — but because they were never taught how to stay present in them. Their upbringing or past relationships taught them that big feelings = danger.

So their system defaults to:“I’m overwhelmed. I need to shut down so I don’t make this worse.”

And yes… that can still feel painful. You’re allowed to feel abandoned. But it’s important to name that their motive here isn’t usually malicious — it’s protective. For themselves and sometimes for the relationship.

That said…

There’s another side to this topic. A darker one. And it’s important to talk about it.

When “Space” Isn’t About Space at All

Not all withdrawing is innocent. Not all silence is overwhelm. Not everyone asking for space is avoidant.

Sometimes what looks like “space” is actually stonewalling. And stonewalling is a very different thing.

Stonewalling is intentional. It’s strategic. It’s meant to destabilise you.

People with strong narcissistic traits (or narcissistic personality disorder) often use stonewalling as a tool of control. The goal isn’t to calm down or think things through. The goal is power.

It looks like:

• disappearing after any disagreement

• refusing to respond to messages

• giving the silent treatment

• acting like you don’t exist

• withholding affection, attention, or reassurance

• waiting for you to “learn your lesson”

  
  

It’s emotional punishment disguised as distance.It’s silence used as a weapon. And it’s one of the most disorienting experiences a partner can go through.

Because you’re left wondering: Are they overwhelmed? Are they mad? Are they done with me? You start walking on eggshells.You start shrinking.

And the heartbreaking part?Stonewalling rarely happens alone. It often comes with gaslighting, manipulation, and a whole web of tactics designed to keep you off balance and emotionally dependent.

Why This Distinction Matters So Much

Knowing the difference between an overwhelmed partner who needs space and a narcissistic partner who is stonewalling you isn’t just relationship-improvement knowledge.

It can be lifesaving knowledge.

One situation can be worked on — with communication tools, therapy, and mutual willingness.The other requires boundaries, support, and sometimes the courage to walk away in order to protect your mental and emotional wellbeing.

You deserve clarity.You deserve emotional safety.You deserve connection that doesn’t disappear the moment conflict shows up.

And understanding these patterns is often the first step toward getting there.