In today's article, I want to explore why individuals with an avoidant attachment style often withdraw from relationships. We'll also discuss various types of withdrawers—those who become defensive or angry during conflicts, and gender differences in female and male withdrawers.
So, where does this tendency to withdraw originate?
It varies for each person, but it typically traces back to childhood and the relationships with primary caregivers—whether it was mum, dad, or whoever raised them.
People who tend to withdraw often come from families where their needs were overlooked or dismissed, forcing them to fend for themselves emotionally and physically. For instance, a boy raised by an overbearing father who taught him that expressing emotions was a sign of weakness might learn to suppress his feelings. If his mother reinforced these values or was distant, he might develop an avoidant attachment style to shield himself from the emotions he was taught to hide.
If you were taught that showing emotions makes you weak, you might feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by others’ strong emotions. Conversely, someone from a household where emotions were expressed aggressively—like a girl whose parents frequently yelled and never communicated respectfully—might learn to avoid vulnerability altogether to protect herself from emotional danger.
So why do avoidant individuals withdraw in relationships?
Using the earlier example, if a boy learns that expressing emotions is unsafe and could lead to ridicule or rejection, he will likely avoid expressing them to prevent this pain. For a child, rejection or abandonment can feel like a genuine threat, potentially leading to severe neglect.
This fear of emotions can create problems in adult romantic relationships, which rely on trust, intimacy, and open communication. Avoidant individuals might withdraw at the first sign of strong emotions or become defensive and angry, making it challenging to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.
It's important to note that I'm not blaming anyone for their avoidant behaviour. There's usually a significant reason behind it. However, this tendency can prevent deeper intimacy, trust, and connection—essential elements of a healthy relationship.
In relationships with recurring issues, it's rarely one person’s fault. Both partners contribute to the problem in their ways, and one partner's behaviour often exacerbates the other's reactions. For instance, if one partner becomes very angry during conflicts, the other might withdraw, which can escalate the situation further.
In my counselling practice, I often see couples where one partner wants to confront issues head-on while the other prefers to avoid and withdraw until emotions settle. This dynamic is a common reason couples seek counselling.
Every couple is unique. Some individuals may have a strong tendency to withdraw, while others might only do so occasionally. Additionally, there are gender differences in withdrawal behaviours. Women are often stereotyped as the more emotionally engaged partner, but many women also withdraw. Female withdrawers might feel guilt or shame about their lack of commitment, while male withdrawers may find it more acceptable due to societal norms.
Boys often receive messages from a young age that expressing emotions is a weakness. This, coupled with peer reinforcement, makes them more likely to become avoidant. Girls might have more emotional support through friendships, which can offer a counterbalance.
This topic is complex, and it's challenging to cover every aspect in one article. My goal today was to provide an overview of withdrawing behaviours and their origins, whether you're trying to understand your own behaviour or that of your partner.
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